Friday, December 25, 2009

Quiet Souls of Adventure

2009 has been a difficult year. It's been a year of incredible ups and disastrous downs. I've made new friends, received emails from fans from as far away as Indonesia, was about to finally have something professionally published and then the zine went under, did an interview at FictionWritersGroup(dot)com and was so completely crippled by self-doubt that I didn't hardly get any writing done. I still wrote and I still accomplished quite a bit, but not nearly what I had planned or expected. I published this year's Halloween issue of If - E - Zine and launched the new site, finished and edited Silent Nights (a cyberpunk Christmas novel), wrote several short stories and wrote the first 147 pages of the final Xiao-tep wuxia novel, tentatively titled Broken Sorrows.

The biggest aspect of 2009 has been the self-doubt. I've previously questioned myself from time to time, but I've never truly doubted myself to the extant I did this year. It drove me to my breaking point, rendering me incapable and unwilling to continue writing, wondering if the past six years has been worth the struggles and effort. It drained me, I was constantly tired and couldn't muster the strength to plot out a single sentence. Of the few things I can do with any sense of authority and skill, writing has been the one thing I've never doubted nor have I ever wanted to doubt. I do it well enough that I've refused to be humble about it. If you do something well, you should revel in it, though without arrogance.

But this year has been particularly difficult in this respect.

I recently began a new journal after a year and a half with the last one. As I hearken back to the virginal hour of the last journal, I realize the first thing I wrote upon its pages was the personal essay I Am My Pen wherein I state "I am my pen, my destiny to spill oceans of ink."

And that, dear friends, is the rallying cry I needed at this dark and discontented hour.

I expect 2010 to be a banner year. I expect it and I demand it. Amongst plans, I will publish the 8th Annual Halloween Edition of If - E - Zine, open some venues into merchandising, write a couple scripts for short films, reorganize Black Swans with Atom Bombs Publishing as Black Swans with Atom Bombs Entertainment, finish Broken Sorrows and continue work on Moyete. I might have a few other things on my plate, as time and opportunities allow.

I will go humbly towards my destiny, but I will not go quietly.

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